Losing Hope: A Novel

Chapter Forty-eight

I drop the notebook onto the floor.

And I cry.
    

Chapter Forty-nine

I walk into my mother’s office and she’s on the phone. She looks up as I shut her door behind me. I walk to her desk and pull the receiver from her ear and hang it up.

“You know?” I ask her. “You know about what that bastard did to Les?” I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand, just as she stands up and her own eyes fill with tears. “You know what he did to Hope? And you know that Hope is alive and that she’s fine? You know everything?”

My mother is shaking her head and fear is filling her eyes. She can’t tell if I’m mad or if I’ve lost it or if I’m about to flip out.

“Holder . . .” she says. “We couldn’t tell you. I knew what it would do to you if you knew something like that happened to your sister.”

I collapse into a chair, unable to stand up for another second. She walks around the desk and kneels in front of me. “I’m so sorry, Holder. Please don’t hate me. I’m so sorry.”

She’s crying, looking at me with so much regret and apology. I immediately find the strength to stand back up and I pull her up with me. “God, no,” I say to her, throwing my arms around her neck. “Mom, I’m so glad you know. I’m so relieved Les had you through all of that. And Hope?” I push her away from me and look her in the eyes. “She’s Sky, Mom. Hope is Sky and Sky is okay and I love her. I love her so much and I had no idea how to tell you because I was so scared you would recognize her.”

Her eyes grow wide and she backs away from me, falling back into her chair. “Your girlfriend? Your girlfriend is Hope?”

I nod, knowing none of this is making any sense to her. “Remember when I met Sky at the store a few months ago? I recognized her. I thought she was Hope, but then I thought maybe she wasn’t. Then I f*cking fell in love with her, Mom. I can’t even begin to tell you the shit we’ve been through this week.” I’m talking faster than she can probably comprehend. I sit in the chair across from her and pull it closer to her, then lean forward and take her by the hands. “She’s okay. I’m okay. I’m more than okay. And I know you did your best for Les, Mom. I hope you know that, too. You did everything you could, but sometimes even all the love in the world from mothers and brothers isn’t enough to help pull someone out of their nightmare. We just need to accept that things are what they are, and all the guilt and regret in the world can’t change that.”

She begins to sob. I wrap my arms around her and I hold her.
    

Chapter Forty-nine-and-a-half

Sky and I took the last two days of the week off school. We figured we already missed three days, what’s two more? Besides, Karen wanted to keep a close eye on Sky all week. She’s concerned about how everything is affecting her.

I agreed to give Sky space for a few days, but what Karen doesn’t realize is that Sky’s window still sees regular traffic in the middle of the night. All from me.

I’ve spent the last few days in deep discussions with Mom. She wanted to know everything I knew about Les and Hope and of course she wanted to know what happened last weekend in Austin. Then she wanted to know all about my relationship with Sky, so I brought her up to date. Then she said she wanted to meet her.

So here we are. Sky just walked through the front door and my mom has her arms around her. She started crying almost immediately, which in turn made Sky tear up a little. Now they’re standing in the foyer and my mother won’t let go of her.

“I don’t want to interrupt this homecoming,” I say. “But if you don’t let her go, Mom, you might scare her away.”

My mother laughs and sniffles, pulling away from Sky. “You’re so beautiful,” she says, smiling at Sky. She turns to me. “She’s beautiful, Holder.”

I shrug. “Yeah, she’s okay.”

Sky laughs and hits me on the arm. “Remember? The insults are only funny in text form.”

I grab her and pull her to me. “You’re not beautiful, Sky,” I whisper in her ear. “You’re incredible.”

She wraps her arms around me in return. “You’re not so bad, yourself,” she says.

My mother takes her by the hand and pulls her away from me and into the living room, then she begins to bombard her with questions. I appreciate it, though, because she doesn’t ask her questions about her situation or her past. She just asks normal questions about what she wants to major in when she goes to college and where she’s planning to go to college. I leave them both in the living room to continue their conversation while I walk to the garage and grab a few boxes. Mom and I have talked about clearing out Les’s room before. Now that I have Sky here, I think I’ll actually be able to do it.

I walk back to the living room and hand them each a box. “Come on,” I say, heading toward the stairs. “We’ve got a room to clean.”

We spend the rest of the afternoon cleaning out Les’s room. We box her pictures and anything that meant something to her in one box, then we put all her clothes in boxes to take to Goodwill. I take both notebooks and I wrap them in the pair of jeans that have been on the floor for over a year and I place it all in a box. A box I keep.

After the room is finished, my mother and Sky head downstairs. I stack the boxes in the hallway, then turn to shut the door. Before I close it completely, I look to her bed. I don’t watch her die again. I watch her smile.
    

Chapter Forty-nine-and-three-quarters

“I thought she said she wasn’t going this weekend,” I say to Sky as we walk through her front door.

“I begged her to go. She’s been stuck to me like glue for days now and I told her if she didn’t go do her flea market thing, I’d run away.”

We make our way to Sky’s bedroom and I close the door behind us. “So does that mean I can get you pregnant tonight?”

She turns around and faces me, then shrugs. “I guess we could practice,” she says, smiling.

And we do. We practice at least three different times before midnight.

? ? ?

We’re lying on her bed, tangled together beneath her sheet. She’s holding up our hands, which are clasped between us, and she’s staring at them. “I remember, you know,” she says softly.

I tilt my head until it meets hers on the pillow. “You remember what?”

She pulls her fingers away, then she wraps her pinky around mine. “This,” she whispers. “I remember the first time you held my hand like this. And I remember everything you said to me that night.”

I close my eyes and inhale a deep breath.

“Not long after Karen brought me here, she asked me to forget my old name and all the bad that went along with it. So I thought about you . . . and I told her I wanted to be called Sky.”

She lifts up onto her elbow and looks down at me. “You were always there, you know. Even when I couldn’t remember . . . you were always there.”

I push her hair behind her ear and kiss her, then pull back. “I love you so much, Sky.”

“I love you, too, Holder.”

I pull my arm out from under her and roll her onto her back, looking down at her. “Will you do me a favor?”

She nods.

“From now on, I want you to call me Dean.”
    


Final Chapter

Les,

It’s been a while. I came across these letters today after needing boxes to pack for college. I also came across the pair of jeans that sat in your bedroom floor for over a year. I just threw them in the hamper for you. You’re welcome.

So . . . yeah. College. Me. Me going to college. Pretty cool, huh?

It’s still about a month away before I go, but Sky has already been there for a couple of months. She had all her credits from being homeschooled, so right after high school graduation she left to get a head start on me.

She’s so competitive.

But I’m not worried, because I plan on surpassing her once I get there. I have this elaborate evil plan all mapped out. Every time I catch her studying or doing homework, I’ll just whisper something sexy in her ear or flash my dimples. Then she’ll get all flustered and sidetracked and she’ll fall behind on her schoolwork and she’ll fail her classes and I’ll get my degree first and victory will be mine!

Or I’ll just let her win. I sort of like letting her win sometimes.

I miss her like crazy, but we’ll be in the same town again in less than a month.

A town with no parents.

A town with no curfews.

And if I have anything to do with it, she’ll have a closetful of nothing but dresses.

Shit. Now that I look at it, I think we both might end up failing.

A lot has happened since I last wrote to you, but then again nothing has happened. Compared to the first few months following my return from living with Dad in Austin, the rest of the year has been pretty tame. Once Sky found out the truth, Karen eased up on the technology restrictions. I got her an iPhone for her real birthday and she has a laptop now, so we get to see each other every night through Skype.

I love Skype. A lot. Just sayin’.

Mom and Dad are good. Dad didn’t put two and two together when he met Sky, which I didn’t really think he would to begin with. He never really spent a lot of time around her when we were kids because he worked so much. He does love her, though. And Mom? Good lord, Les. Mom can’t get enough of her. It kind of weirds me out how close they’ve become, but it’s also good. It’s good for Mom. I think having Sky as part of the family now has helped relieve some of the grief she still feels from your death.

And yes, we all still feel it. Everyone who loved you still feels it. And while I don’t really relive your death anymore, I still miss you like hell. I miss you so much. Especially when something happens that I know you would think was funny. I catch myself laughing and then all of a sudden I realize I’m the only one laughing and it hits me that I was expecting you to laugh, too. I miss your laugh.

I could go on and on about all the things I miss about you to the point that I start to feel sorry for myself again. But I’ve learned over the past year what it really means to be able to miss someone. In order to miss someone, that means you were privileged enough to have them in your life to begin with.

And while seventeen years doesn’t seem like near enough time to have spent with you over the course of a lifetime, it’s still seventeen more years than the people that never knew you at all. So if I look at it that way . . . I’m pretty damn lucky.

I’m the luckiest brother ever in the whole wide world.

I’m gonna go live my life now, Les. A life I’m actually able to look forward to, and I honestly thought I’d never be able to say that. Then again, I honestly thought I’d always be hopeless, but I find hope every single day.

And sometimes I find her at night, too . . . on Skype.

I love you.

Dean
    


Acknowledgement

First and foremost, a huge thank-you to Griffin Peterson for gracing the cover of Losing Hope. Your kindness and humbleness are much appreciated by me, as well as the readers. Also, I would once again like to acknowledge all bloggers for your endless support. Without you, these books would not be possible.

During the process of writing both Hopeless and Losing Hope, I never expected the type of support and feedback I have received from readers. So many of you have shared your stories with me and have taken the time to let me know how these books helped you overcome your own struggles and “chapter breaks.” For that, I thank each and every one of you who have reached out to me. It’s why I continue to write . . . because you continue to support me.